Cristoforo Colombo's Confusione

© 𝕾𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖆

Much confusion reigns in les États-Unis these days due to a certain recent proposed demonetization demonization punah nāmkaran (पुनःनामकरण) news of a distant land. It has oddly gotten on the radar screen of my next door neighbor and backyard barbecue buddy Ernest who has been unable to "take a tizzy". He read about the POTUS's G20 budding bromance in Section A, Pg 3 of the local rag. He had to ask me, his personal spokesperson representing the 1.4b+ of the humanity, for my views. Quite earnestly, of course.

Ernest's first and foremost concern stems from the original confusion created by Cristoforo. That directionally challenged Genoese who couldn't tell his left from his right, his east from his west, the yin from the yang, or his keister from a hole in the ground. That delusional guy insisted he had reached the fabled & fragrant spice land on behalf of Isabella & Ferdinand. (Here in the de Estados Unidos, Spiceland is a pretty common name for the ubiquitous corner desi grocery store). Frà Cristoforo must have smoked many a peace pipe with his newfound native buddies trying to cover up his navigational incompetence (no GPS in those days, alas). He likely ended up saying "How! (now, brown cow)!" during the pow-wow in the land of the free and to the home of the braves behind the counter at Spiceland that he had encountered. All of them including Cristoforo were quite red in the face and a bit woozy from smoking whatever they were smoking. No wonder he called them Red Indians and they, in turn, called him Paleface affectionately. Gringo had not entered the verbal slugfest yet. Our mano Vasco, on the other hand, was actually enjoying a tall glass of feni or two on the right beaches in between bites of super hot vindaloo, dousing the flames in his mouth. Vasco was also red in the face (and later, lower body regions) as well but less confused about his own whereabouts hanging out with the real desis. As with other unsuspecting foodie phoreners, da Gama rolled the dice and took da gamble with the spicy stew reputed to grow hair on your chest. The day after, as they say, is a separate tale for another time.

Well, these native American sons, the non-desis (as opposed to the nān desis) need to be renamed Lāl Bābu now, hān ji? Or perhaps Bharat ké Lāl? Poor 'Murican kids. Will they now be donning feathered headdresses to play Cowboys & Indians gau bhakshak & gau rakshak? Ernest has a right to be concerned with Halloween just around the corner.

The Midwestern state, this cultural wasteland, will no longer be called Indiana, and is soon to be renamed Bhārat, na? It's state capital India-no-place Indianapolis to be renamed Bhārat puram (nagar/gram?). And who the heck is a Hoosier anyway? Wouldn't it be better to change that to hoshiyār (alert/smart/wise!)? I refer to the sign I saw at a Friday prayer gathering some time ago that said, apné apné jooton sé rahén sāré nāmāzi hoshiyār, ék shakhsa āatā hai yéhān, jooté churāné ké liyé! Besides, they could claim sister-city status with Hoshiarpur, Punjab!

Those gaddiyān going vroom vroom in the thrilling Indianapolis 500 Race will now be part of Indraprashtha 800 Rally? This is only the beginning, folks! Fortunately, there already exists a Delhi (del hāi) in NY, a Lucknow in PA & three Salems in MA, OR and IN in case ever needed. There is also a Baroda, MI and a Calcutta, OH. The last two will need to be updated to Vadodra & Kolkata. Since Bangalore became Bengaluru, high time to change Bangor, Maine to Benguru? US Congressmen (ugh, Congi's! ), Senators, Governors, the entire political system, UNESCO, etc. are diligently working on posters, websites and billboards introducing the name changes with smiling, bearded visages in their respective jurisdictions.

Hollywood, soon to play second fiddle to (B/T/K)ollywood, is also furiously working on their movie makeovers. Besides the Bharatana Jones franchise that we know all about, most people don't know that Ms MM (Margaret Mitchell)'s classic Gone With the Winds is being re-released as Gayé Woh Buré Din, Aāyé Hai Achhé Din Āyaā Hai Amrit Kaál! The somniferous ballroom dancing has been replaced by pulsating bhāngrā beat and natu natu. The character, India Wilkes in GWTW has been recast as Bhārati Walia, a bharat nātyam danseuse of renown. Rhett Butler Rai Bahadur will, frankly, my dear, no longer be giving a damn damri to Scarlett Shashi Kala.

The western Periodic table (although now banished from the new NCERT textbooks) needs to be corrected to reflect all the desi contributions and advancements to rāsāyan shāstra, facts only recently uncovered from ancient texts, suppressed by Western media and their puppet desi JNU PMU educated Marxist alchemists, and metaphysicists far too long. Fear not folks, all those difficult to memorize topics of Physics, Chemistry, Poly Sci, Geography, Civics, etc. - they are all History now.

The desi elements that were discovered much before Mendeleev, G (originally known as Mandeep Lāl ji) need to be renamed. I cite the recent scholarly papers published by tenured faculty members of WhatsCrapp U as evidence for Indium (atomic number 49) to become Bhārtiya (hai) hum. A fitting rejoinder for Jai Ho! to use, as he slashes, slams, crushes and rebuts the biased western media elements like Europium, Americium, Californium, Hopium, Dopium, Nopium and suchlike nonsensium. We may also think about renaming (many delectable dishes in my) thālium & (the 81kgp guys knows many) gāl(l)ium while we are at it. Nobel prize, no, no, bella! Nawal Purushkar! No one more deserving of the Om, Shānti, Om category than you-know-who.

After all, Billy Shakespeare (Bala Shakti Priya/Balam Sheikh Piyare) is alleged to have said that a rosé by any other name... is still a light, pink vino with a bémisāl bouquet and bajrang body that pairs well with pasta & seafood paratha, āaloo gobhi, pālak paneer, butter chicken as well as murg musallam, shrimp vindaloo and a million other dishes. There you go, Ernest.

© 𝕾𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖆