Al'luring Posts - III

What Happens in 'Luru! 

© by 𝕾𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖆

In response to a recent InstaCram reel posted by a proud 'Luru-ean in a WhatsCrapp group

Does Bangalore 'Luru Have the Best Nightlife?

As a sixty-xxx year-young, our desi unkill is uniquely qualified to answer this question because they haven't seen namma 'luru after 9 PM since 2008.

"People ask me about nightlife. Beta, after my Kingfisher or chhota peg, chased down with two spoonful of Gelusil, my nightlife is drooling on my pillow, a ceiling fan as the white noise machine and fitful Zzzzz."

"These youngsters say 'Luru comes alive at night. Alive? Yes, at 10 PM I have already woken up once to pee and checked if the front gate is locked."

"'Luru people will tell you: "Bro, the scene is insane." What scene? Twenty-seven software engineers standing around a ₹1,200 cocktail called "Disruptive Mango Cloud" discussing stock options, AI agents, and whether they should move to Dubai, Mumbai or Shanghai. Wondering if, not when, they will ever score before mummy ji locks them up, chained to a non-'luru "homely" girl from a sanskari family."

Meanwhile the stoned pub DJ is playing the same 2012 EDM for the 14th consecutive year.

Auntie Shanti's review of Bangalore nightlife, at her "kitty" party (with eagle eyed observations from the balcony, of the young drunk demographic stumbling back to their high-rent shared micro-pads)

"Chhee chhee chhee."

"Yeh besharm ladkiyan kya kar rahin hain?"

"Look at their kapdé! Kya cover kiya, jyada uncover kiya!"

"DO NOT LOOK / LEER / DROOL." (comment thrown sideways at the desi unkill)

"When did shaking their booties randomly become dancing? Nothing like Kathak or Bharatnatyam!" (reminiscing about her good old days)

"Why is nobody eating? khali pét peené sé acidity hogi!"

"Why is that besharam ladki cavorting with naalayak ladké wearing goggles at midnight?"

"Boys will be boys, but these girls... uff, unki mummiyon né kuchch sanskar nahi sikhaya?"

"And somebody please us hero ko bolo, his beard with food crumbs is not a personality."

"ki oshobhya chhélé / méyé!"

Every five minutes Auntie Shanti announces she's going back to bed. What is this  duniya coming to, hai Ram!

Thirty minutes later she's still standing out there collecting neighborhood gossip like that Dhuradhar hero.

Meanwhile Mumbai begins serious partying at 2am. Delhi party is now a full-on street brawl at 3am, mostly verbal, establishing previously unknown family connections and coital positions in florid details. Goa is floating, mon! Clock? What clock? 

Kolkata? Too bhadralok-ified for such late night nonsense. Besides, planning for the nex revolution (or pujo pandal) starts at the 6am adda at the corner cha dokan. 

And Bangalore is conducting a networking event disguised as a party. 

So, back to the original question: does Bangalore have the best nightlife?

Unkill's verdict: WGASA

Auntie Shanti's verdict: Absolutely shameless. Disgraceful. Samaj, Pariwar, Desh - narak mé dub gayé. Sabki naak kata di, kambakhton né!

Armed now with juiciest gossip, Auntie gets on the daily hour-long conference call with Bunty, Rinki, Pinky, Geeta, Rita and Pammy aunties... each with complete relationship history of every unworthy brat in their locality. 

I nod sagely.